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Estate planning conversations can be awkward. Whether you’re discussing your own plans with loved ones or bringing up the subject with aging parents, these discussions require careful thought and sensitivity. Here are some tips on how to approach these important conversations in a way that strengthens family bonds rather than straining them.
Before I dive into the meaty parts of discussing estate planning with your parents, consider having a plan in place for yourself first. Beginning the conversation with “I recently created an estate plan and I feel so relieved that I did” is a great opener to a discussion with your family about the benefit of having a plan in place before it is too late.
The Harder Conversation: Talking to Your Parents
It’s a different story when you need to discuss estate planning with someone else, typically an elderly parent or grandparent who has been putting it off or just doesn’t want to talk about it. First and foremost, respect their privacy. It’s their estate, and they have the right to handle it as they see fit.
That said, estate planning isn’t just about “who gets what.” There are other critical aspects that affect the whole family, such as designating agents under financial and healthcare powers of attorney, living wills and end-of-life care directives, and ensuring someone can make decisions if they become incapacitated. These practical matters affect everyone, not just the beneficiaries.
The Wrong Way: Linda’s Mistake
Picture this: Linda invites her elderly parents to Sunday dinner. Her husband Dave picks them up. She prepares a big meal, dessert included. Everything seems warm and festive until Linda springs her true agenda.
“Mom and Dad, we really need to talk about your estate plan. You don’t have a will or trust, and you really need to get this done. You’re running out of time.”
Ouch. Talk about indigestion. Mom and Dad are blindsided. They thought they were there to enjoy time with family, not discuss their mortality over pot roast. They’re understandably upset, and the conversation crumbles faster than the apple pie crust.
The damage doesn’t stop there. Mom calls Linda’s sister Carol and reports what happened. Now Carol thinks Linda is greedy and controlling. The family rift deepens, and what should have been a helpful conversation has created lasting harm. All because Linda decided to approach this topic over mashed potatoes.
The lesson? Don’t ambush your parents at the dinner table. Don’t corner them or make them feel trapped. Estate planning discussions deserve their own moment, not a sneak attack between the main course and coffee.
The Right Way: Joe’s Approach
Joe took a different tack. After a close friend went through the nightmare of guardianship proceedings and probating his father’s estate with no plan in place, Joe became concerned about his own dad’s situation.
Instead of issuing directives, Joe approached his father empathetically. He shared his concerns and asked if his dad would be comfortable discussing estate planning with the family. No pressure, just a conversation. No dinner ambush required.
Dad agreed. Joe and his brother Bob scheduled a meeting with their father. Because Joe gave his dad control of the conversation and approached him with respect rather than demands, Dad recognized that something needed to be done. He even asked Joe and Bob to help him find a reputable estate planning attorney, since he “doesn’t use the computer.” Everyone wins when you treat people like adults who can make their own decisions.
My Tips for a Successful Conversation
👉 Schedule ahead of time. Call a family meeting in advance. Include everyone who is or would be affected by the discussion. Be honest about your intent. Surprises are great for birthday parties, not estate planning talks.
👉 Choose your language carefully. Avoid directives like “you should” or “you need to.” Instead, use phrases like “I’m concerned about…” or “I’ve been thinking about…” This keeps the conversation collaborative rather than confrontational. Nobody likes being told what to do, especially about their own affairs.
👉 Have an agenda. Once your family has agreed to discuss estate planning, prepare a simple agenda to keep the conversation focused and productive. What documents exist and what’s missing? Who should be named as executor, trustee, or agent? What assets exist and where they’re located? Any specific wishes or concerns? Having a plan for the planning conversation helps everyone feel more comfortable.
👉 Be patient. Don’t be surprised if it takes multiple meetings to work through everything. This is difficult subject matter for many people, touching on mortality, family dynamics, and deeply personal values. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither is a comprehensive estate plan.
The Relief At The End
Once an estate plan is in place, everyone can breathe easier. You’ll have peace of mind knowing that your loved one’s wishes will be honored, that someone can step in to help if needed, and that the family won’t face unnecessary legal headaches or conflicts during an already difficult time.
The key is approaching these conversations with empathy, respect, and patience. Done right, talking about estate planning can actually bring families closer together because it shows you care enough to have the hard conversations. Just maybe…maybe skip the dinner table as your venue of choice. 😉
When you’re ready, book a call with me and we’ll get you set up the right way the first time.
